LMAO! This was the tittle of the recent article by Emmy Collins, and it cracked me up at some point, although he had some of the vileness in his usual writing. Truth be told some of the things he pointed out are soooo correct. Are you ready? Oya start reading;
Dear Readers, it’s my pleasure to express my profound gratitude to every one of you guys that has spent even a single second of their life to read my crap. I know these seconds spent on this blog can`t be reclaimed ever again hence my immense gratitude to you guys.
Okay, on a serious note,I opine that I can`t honestly testify that I would still be posting articles on this blog if you guys had declared it uninteresting from the onset.
I learned a lot from you guys and I like to think that on the other hand you took something positive away from reading stuff on this blog.
As I mentioned some time ago on this platform, my intention was to break a certain trend that was prevalent at the time I launched this blog and some that hadn`t caught on yet but were destined to happen.With your help and motivation we’ve dealt with these trends.Some of the trends we have dispatched to early death are three layered pancake faces(Tiwa Savage and Waje were the pacesetters on this one),over exposure of body parts,slits to the Vijajays,wearing pants 4 inches too high,mami-water length weaves,open encouragement of obesity, passing off knock offs as original on the internet,posting invoices aka invoice-gate,bleaching aka bleachers Inc, et al.I must stress that the war against skin bleaching/low self-esteem is still on-going and we are gathering more steam to prosecute this war as more and more people join.The statement allegedly attributed to Akon and Wizkid with respect to requesting only yellow-pawpaw babes for their videos has been counter-productive as far as this war is concerned but we will trudge on regardless.
I must also thank you guys for having the smartness to call me out when I have erred.I couldn`t have wished for better readers.I can honestly proclaim that the best and the most independent minded readers have to hotfoot it to this forum every Monday.However I promise that we will offer reasons for you guys to keep on refreshing our page every couple of hours next year as we are gathering intelligent writers to focus on music,movies,social issues,entertainment et al.The fun has simply just begun.Did I mention that we will be posting videos weekly or monthly from next year and these videos will cover my visits to manufactures,photographers, pattern cutters,sales agents et al, all over the Nigeria and Europe.Yes,we will raise the bar a few notches next year.I was born never to blend and I am definitely gonna continue on that path as the omnipotent created me like that for a reason.
I received very interesting images from the (MMR) pre-event party that might be very interesting to use on winners and losers.Even though I said last week was gonna be the last winners and losers for the year,I might be open to rescinding that decision if you guys ask me to,hehehehe.
This week, as a substitute to the usual Winners and Losers, we present you with the nominees for the ‘Mother of Raggedy Awards’. This award is established to counter the numerous awards that encourage mediocrity in Nigeria. The winners of ‘Mother of Raggedy Awards’ will be announced next week. Please vote for your favourite nominees. I apologise that the votes will be counted manuallythis time, but next year the votes will be counted automatically with more categories incorporated into the awards.
Finally, I went to the Music Meets Runway(MMR) Saturday night at Eko Hotels. Hopefully, I shall be able to write an article on that show as there were numerous talking points. On a positive note, I have been hearing of how good Praiz is but have always taken that piece of information with a pinch of salt; considering how we hype CRAPPPP here in Naija. I must say the homeboy blew me right out of the water with his super heavy weight performance, kai! To say that I was impressed will be an understatement. On the fashion front ItueBasi made me fall in love with batik prints all over again. Ironically she is quite reserved and never binges on publicity. I have always said that fashion is a ‘show me’ industry and not a ‘tell me’ industry because at the end of the day people need to view and feel quality garments. However, in an article which I plan to pen on this event, I might not be so kind to the likes of Seyi Shay, Tiwa Savage and some girl who’s Vijajaay I could literarily see from my table. I promise to uncover who she is. These people gave me migraine with their stage performances.Some might disagree with my position on these singers but hey it is my opinion and the last time I bothered to check, I was still absolutely entitled to it. I was there in flesh, I know what I saw and what I heard.
Happy Christmas in advance
AND THE NOMINEES ARE:
Red Carpet Tenant-Male
UtiNwachukwu![]()
Alex Ekubo
Ebuka Obi-Uchendu
There have been many excuses regarding some people`s penchant for events’ attendance; be it opening of an envelope, launch of Shawarma/mama put joint or style award by very unstylish gossip magazines, the unquestionable fact is that these guys were always there and never missed any bit of it. Sometimes, we loved their style sense but let the truth be told, there were occasions they invested immense effort and succeeded in putting us off our morning coffee with their choice of sartorial elegance or lack of thereof, depending on the angle from which you approach it.
2013 must have been very mind-numbing without these guys so we hereby recognise the important roles they played in our individual lives with this nomination.
Red Carpet Tenant -Female
TokeMakinwa
ToyinLawani
EkuEdewor
Rita Dominic
This group consists of chics who pouted, posed and sometimes wowed us. However, most other times they un-wowed us.We have love and hate relationship with these damsels as we couldn`t wait to ask them to quit invading our space, but if they as much as take a one week leave of absence from the red/oyster/black,pistachio,cerelse carpets, we miss them so much that it hurt terribly.
Like their male counterparts above, just the mere thought of them not being around next year has begun to depress me.What could we have done without these over exposed lasses? Don`t let any hater convince you that you need to sit your flat/ample bosoms/asses at home sometimes ladies; you must be seen nah,abi? You bring meaning into our individual lives and we can only say thank you from the bottom of our hearts.
Horror Style of the year – Female
Toni Tones
Empress Njamah
Omawunmi
Uche Jumbo
OmotolaJaladeEkheinde
You don`t get any prize for guessing who the front runner of this one is. Even my 11yr old daughter can guess correctly.Well,over the past year, we’ve bumped into images that made us wonder what these folks were thinking, if they ever listen to the woman on the other side of the mirror,if they have brothers/boyfriends and most importantly if they ever heard of the phrase “ask someone else”.
These individuals should never under any circumstances be let loose to shop unaccompanied as they portend a serious danger to themselves and their careers.
Anyi ekwusi gokwa.Onye nwee nti Ọnu.
Ekuke Hairstyle of the year
Empress Njamah
AfroCandy
Ono Bello
Ekuke/Mgbekeish hairstyle category is all about duly appreciating folks whose hairstyle offered hilarity even when we were down with personal issues.It will be absolutely unfair to let the year pass without saying thanks to these very magnanimous and unselfish people.Yes,if they were very selfish they could have looked at their hairstyles in the mirror,had a good laugh and then yanked off the hair and we would have missed all that fun. Instead they decided to share the fun with us, how nice of them!
My team and I do sincerely hope they will keep it coming in 2014 as we can`t have enough of those mops and horse tails on their heads..
I don`t know about you guys but I must confess that last year would have been hellishly boring if these guys were not there to provide respite so to them I say – “Unu emela! E she o
Poverty Stricken Mind Celeb
Genevieve Nnaji
Jude Okoye
Davido
Laura Ikeji
Awwwww,Sisterly collaboration
Linda so kindly showing us her Loubouton shoes and bag(above)
Laura Ikeji`s tweets(below)
Miu Miu hand bag. Really nice N285k this is officially Linda’s cheapest bag. Me likey. #hellodubai
Prada Milano bag. Exact prize no inflation. N770k (seven hundred n seventy thousand naira only) Hello Dubai Linda Ikeji is here. #hellomoneylindaikejiisherelol
Hello money @lindaikeji is here. My sister just spent 10k dollars on 2 bags. Fendi and prada. Dubai una try. pic.twitter.com/GX1NGeZmUk
hellomoneylindaikejiishere dis lady is buying things in thousands of dollars n payn cash. #nowLB
Hello money Linda Ikeji is here. Fendi wristwatch Amount=$4400, Naija money N720k http://instagram.com/p/f8I6MAsfZk/
Fendi hand bag exact amount no inflation o. N520k #hellomoneylindaikejiishere #hellodubai #dubaimall http://instagram.com/p/f8I6pjsfZl/
YSL red shoe, exact prize N110k #hellomoneylindaikejiishere #hellodubai http://instagram.com/p/f8I3VjsfZc/
Casadei shoes N145k and Alexander macqueen yellow bag N438k.. Grand!!!!! #hellodubailindaikejiishere http://instagram.com/p/gBub3qMfRi/
Dubai mall. Too many great stuff to buy. This chick ain’t going to the local market man. No fake… http://instagram.com/p/f8I3gHMfZd/
And she’s paying cash!! Over 1 million naira in cash dang man.
After a long day… My Dress is original Herve leger dress lol. #herveleger #m3riss #tired #lovetodressup
Linda Ikeji
Again this is another category that has a clear frontrunner. Please don`t be fooled by the order in which the names appear. The front-runner in this one is miles apart from other rivals.
Please be aware that one’s financial status doesn`t qualify one as a nominee here but how one flaunts material stuff online e.g. Instagram, Twitter.The frontrunner here has obviously had a head on collision with abject poverty in the past and didn`t find it funny at all so this in her mind is payback time and Instagram seems to have provided the appropriate forum to say “fuck you” to the society that put her through this unappetizing ordeal of poverty. I say she has a good case and yes, we totally concur with her that any individual born by man that ventures to say to her -“We understand how you feel but you can relax now, you have won the war against poverty”- should be named and shamed,lol.
The nominations from readers clearly indicate that this award would possibly go to one certain person, but hey,time shall tell.If it comes down to two sisters going head to head on this one then sisterly love will surely count for nothing.
Kaanyi na ga na ubi ka ji na aka.
Smart by Half
Toke Makinwa
Empress Njamah
Yvonne Ekwere
Laura Ikeji
This category captures individuals that have spit rubbish out of their mouth that must have appeared smart initially to them but ended up exposing them as not ermmmm, too smaer. We believe by now these individuals must have come to terms with the idiocy of their own words.
I advise to this lot assumes that any journalist that demands for an interview is an enemy of progress as one thing they need like bullet in their brazillian,gagollian,gwadalian weaved heads is giving interviews; they are terribly poor at it.Below are names of the nominees and quotes they so kindly blessed us with over the year.
YvoneEkwere- “I can’t wear one clothe twice”(Kai,this was brilliant.Even Einstein couldn`t have been this brilliant).
TokeMakinwa -When Toke was questioned about her concoction of accents she so smartly dropped this one on the very unsuspecting Nigerian – “Do you expect me to sound like a savage?” Boy, did we love her for that original quote?
TokeMakinwa - “We’ve been together on/off for about eight years to twelve years. We got engaged this year. And we were supposed to get married this year as well but I think it’s the scheduling. Our schedules have gotten so busy. Everyone says to me, just do it already. We map out some time to plan and then we get carried away.”
Of course, Toke is the busiest lady in Nigeria. So busy that she barely has enough time to breath sometimes
Empress Njama - “I dey tell una say I am a real person, we all have been through tough times, we all have paid our dues one way or the other. So no poor man must get close to me. Those who know the worth pay the dues”.
‘Oh that was Empress response when she was asked if she could ever marry a poor man.But wait, which kind moimoi journalist dey ask this kind question?She/he wandevalue person market?Enemies of progress at work ni!’
Laura Ikeji
Below are some of Laura Ikeji`s VERY smart tweets
Miu Miu hand bag. Really nice N285k this is officially Linda’s cheapest bag. Me likey. #hellodubai
Prada Milano bag. Exact prize no inflation. N770k (seven hundred n seventy thousand naira only) Hello Dubai Linda Ikeji is here. #hellomoneylindaikejiisherelol
Hello money @lindaikeji is here. My sister just spent 10k dollars on 2 bags. Fendi and prada. Dubai una try. pic.twitter.com/GX1NGeZmUk
Rachet Celebrity of the year
Rachet celebrity of the year is monopolised by the most talentless individuals universally to be tagged celebrities. Sometimes some of these individual ascribe all sort of titles ranging from designer, singer/song writer, photographers, stylist et al to themselves but we all know they are jerks, oopsy, I meant to say jack of all trades and are absolutely masters of none.
This is a very innovative bunch as they know how to redirect our attention to themselves any moment it appears diverted elsewhere. Their modus operandi ranges from yanking out balloon size titties, flabby backsides, surgeon acquired twins or falling on their fake louboutin heels and spilling out of their dresses while at it.
Anyway, on behalf of all my fellow suckers for 34dd size boobs, I wish to say thanks for your contributions to our lives, ladies. You are indeed God`s gift to us
Nominees
Tonto Dikeh
Toni Tones
CossyOrjiakor
AfroCandy
Tonto Dikeh
Toni Tones
AfroCandy
Cossy Orjiakor
Most Bleached Male
The bleaching category is self-explanatory, so I`m moving on
HE Otunba Bayo Alao-Akala
K-cee aka Limpop King
Denrele
Most Bleached Female
This category is self explanatory as well.And oh,I envisage a tight race on this one.
Rukky Sanda
Toyin Lawani
Toke Makinwa
Tonto Dikeh
Best efforts, DISASROUS outcome
Best efforts,DISASTSROUS outcome
This is the category that breaks my heart the most as the nominees are decent people equipped with best sartorial intentions most of the time but in the end they still get it wrong. They must be wondering if they have to mug someone at some point to access a pass to the winners list. It is my fervent hope that these folks will have more luck with regards to sorting out their style and getting passes to winners end.
I wish you good luck guys and I think you gonna need it like blood in your veins if you are gonna stand an iota of a chance of pulling this off come 2014.
Nominees
Julius Agwu
Rita Dominic
Julius Agwu
Nkiru Anumudu
Rita Domnic
Please let us know if you reckon we have forgotten to offer recognition to anyone that duly deserves it.
LET THE VOTING BEGIN!